it's ok not to be ok

dear whatsoever painkiller,

i thought my emotional control mechanism was working effectively, or i have just grew tired of it.
just last week someone let me read an annoying note about work and i just stared blankly on it. the message got through me, but i think i was just so numb already with all of it. someone told me not to be sad about it and i was just quiet and my head was blank. i made the day at work without whining or crying or affecting my work mood till 7.30.

i thought it was over but it was not...
when i came home tears were rolling in my face, it was a very delayed reaction of everything. i think it pierced through me and i was so upset i did not let them know that i felt so bad about that. that i felt so worthless after reading that note. i might have been consoled about everything but i think i don't need it. i just want to cry, cry till everything felt fine. i would now say that im doing a good job 'consoling myself' and telling myself everything will be fine.

i might need more of it next time.

~signing off, rinka.